It is not Cricket

Before I am misunderstood, let me clearly state that I have no intent of preaching about ‘fair play’ or ‘sportsmanship’ that was earlier attached to men wearing white flannels.  Nor I am talking about the oft repeated moan that one political party takes shelter under, after they have been outclassed in a battle of wits in the parliament.

I am talking about the new definition of the game of cricket. Even in that context, I am not talking about the variants, Six/five/one day or 20/20, 10/10 etc. I am talking about everything else that has become raison d’etre of being a cricketer.

In the context, let me mention that the recent fiasco on the English tour has caused anguish to Indian cricket fans. But I would entreat those fans to understand the ‘Game’ of cricket and underlying issue; and stop blaming players for not being able to field, bowl or bat. Everything else they did admirably. And that ‘everything else’ is a bigger part of cricket today.

For the uninitiated, let me explain.

To begin, let us rewind and get back to our lives ( if you are a couch potato like me, let us be in front of TV enjoying the commercials from minute number 15 to 19, and 23 to 25, and 28-29 for each of the half an hour episodes of any serial, ….oops, …talk about standardization)

In a days hard work (seeing 2 movies and four serials), you are likely to see cricketers slogging out for your benefit, e.g.

1. The first cricketer tells you which tyre to use in your car. I have been changing tyres for the last thirty years, but now I know better. Because this feller, rather than practicing cricket, has been burning the rubber from Mumbai to Goa. That too after drinking milk with a supplement that gives your tyres an extra zip.
2. Another cricketer tells you to take a capsule off some shiny bottle if you want to live your life to your heart’s content. Somehow I am hesitant to believe this one. If I can do half the partying and experimenting with fluids that he is known to be doing, my life would be much more than just contentment. On the down side I might develop a little paunch and may have problem in seeing even a football on the cricket ground.
3. A couple of them are promoting Sodas, tantamount to advertisement of alcohols by proxy. This once I will accept their guidance. After all, they have garnered more experience on these products in three years than I did in thirty. The only thing that I did not understand was why he was saying ‘Make it large’. Maybe he was talking about the size of cricket ball, because they are not able to see it after the ingestion of soda and the normal add-ons the previous evening.
4. There are many others telling you what education you should give your kids or which bank you should go to. What holds me back from taking their advice is their less than admirable records in schools (and colleges, if they ever went that far). And if I have ‘easy pick’ millions to be stowed in banks, I am sure I will get the service that I can rave about on TV, on glossy pages of magazines or bill boards.

There are many things that stand in the way of our cricketers staying on the crease.

You should understand their constraint.

1. You can not stay whole day long in sun and still advertise for the fairness cream.
2. If a catch comes your way before 1200 hrs, the last night’s party makes the ball wobble in the air.
3. Australian and English bowlers bowl too fast at Indians. Even Pakistani and West     Indians have started following their footsteps. I believe they don’t like our advertisements.
4. Duckworth Lewis is an unfortunate system. Most of the Indian players are trying to ensure that their makeup does not spoil in rain than count ‘overs’ left in case of a rain shortened game.
5.  You can bat only till you don’t sweat. Otherwise logos on the shirt will be spoilt and the sponsor won’t pay you.

On top of all these constraints, now there is another big problem. There is someone proposing additional checks on cricketers. He is some relation to an old cricketer called Hazare, He wants,

1. The cricketers should lead a life of dedication, without greed and grease.
2. If they lose matches (especially like brown wash in England), their assets (including the girl friends), should be confiscated.
3. The players and others should be recalled from the field/offices if they don’t perform.

There is a huge hue and cry from the Cricket board and players on this. They say,

1. Para 1 will disqualify the whole cricket team (and also IPL, Ranji, Dilip  and other trophy appointments). How can someone question the Supremacy of the cricket board, selectors, senior players, recent superstars and new upstarts, in that order.
2. All players and other cricket officials have been (s)elected on the basis of zonal quotas, relation to higher authorities, capability to handle financials etc. It is wrong to say that they are not capable.
3. Who is this feller telling us to perform? He is only related to a cricketer. Most of us are not related to cricketers. In fact most of us are not related to even cricket game.

I guess this brilliant analysis will cool your temper (like a soft drink that a cricketer tells you to drink). And don’t worry about their losing all matches miserably in England, as our cricketer (in yet another Ad) says “ Haar Ke aage Jeet Hai”